what do you do if you are just a terrible person, and you know consciously how to be a good person, and you recognize in hindsight the terrible or embarrassing or pathetic things you do or say and why you shouldn't be that way, but subconsciously it's just who you are and you can't micro manage every single thought or reaction you have? it's impossible to be in control all the time

I don't know if this can help... but in my constant struggle with my lifelong huge phobia that I might say something stupid, loud or obnoxious to the other person I'm talking to IRL and thus completely alienate them... I've learned a few things along the way.

First of all, there's something weird about the design of the human subconscious mind which goes like this: if you get REALLY angry at yourself for impulsively doing some damn-thing, guess what, the subconscious impulse to do that damn-thing again actually INCREASES in intensity.

Of course, that means you proceed to impulsively do that damn-thing even worse... which makes you get even angrier at yourself, which makes the impulse more intense to do it worse and you can't believe you did that damn-thing AGAIN... and down you go into an infinite spiral of hell.

What I've eventually learned in recent years is that the more you can let go of your anger against yourself and actually FORGIVE yourself for doing those damn-things, the more calm and in control you can be. The more you give up your anger about the damn-things you impulsively do, the more you actually get a sense of positive choice about what you can do as well as what kind of person you can be.

Something about giving up that anger is pretty difficult for some strange reason, at least in my own experience. In my case, I deeply felt it was ridiculously illogical to NOT be pissed at myself if I impulsively did that damn-thing again.

More recently I've been practicing more kind thoughts as a reaction... and it seems that actually works. I hope to feel confident in my IRL communication with people enough someday so that I can have more IRL friends..

See about giving up your anger against yourself over the next few weeks and tell yourself positive things about who you are as a person... and let me know after awhile if this works for ya.

(EDIT: explanation... my damn-thing was forgetting IRL to slow down and tune into the other person in the conversation and making sure that at least 50% of my communication was an acknowledgement of what THEY were saying. The more I can quit being angry at myself for talking too much or too loud, the more it seems I can communicate better. I still have a long way to go, however, but it sure beats the painful, original belief that I was born from childhood to be made of some kind of loud, obnoxious rejection-material in the first place, because of the "family" I unfortunately had to grow up in.)